Be My Escape
by RK Ryune
Summary: Sometimes, we fic addicts need to run away from life. We run to this website to escape. But what then? sequel to Forward Motion
1. Prologue

So, due to the response that Because of Zim has received, I have decided to continue a series I began about a year ago. This was titled Forward Motion, and it started as a reflection on my obsessions, evolved into a story about the faith of Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler, for those of you who don't know your X-men), and then a bit of an autobiography.

Life, faith, death, obsession. These are the personal demons we all face in our daily lives. And, as the title "Forward Motion" was derived from a Relient K song, it is only appropriate to explain that the song suggests – We ALL struggle with forward motion.

Fanfiction, as I have come to realize, is a part of that moving forward. We are all trying to figure out our lives, to cope with the world that smacks us in the face every day. In a desperate attempt to breathe, we escape into this world where the characters are small bits of ourselves.

More than a waste of our times and souls, fan fiction is a mirror, that, unlike the theater, reflects not reality, but the world of the heart.

As I have had many obsessions in my 19 years of life, each one of these obsessions becomes a part of my psyche. There are times when I feel like Inuyasha, Danny Phantom, Ranma, Zim, Devi or a myriad of other characters.

So, to make a long story short, Dibsthe1 gave me an idea, albeit indirectly. Fan fiction tends to give characters a third dimension when before there wasn't one. Dibsthe1 has done a very nice job of this for Dib. But what about the others—the characters that at times begin screaming inside my head in various situations?

And I realized, it's not them, but me. Their personalities are mine.

And I'm sure any of you could say the same.

So, as you read this, understand that I will not always be centered on Invader Zim. I will likely delve into other series, but I promise it will all tie together at some point.

And in keeping with Forward Motion, this one is also themed around Relient K.

I give you "Be My Escape"


	2. Because of Zim

A poem. I don't write these a lot. So be happy.

**Because of Zim**

Maybe it's because we don't have anything better to do.

After all, at the point which fanfiction

Becomes passion

Becomes obsession

We lose a part of who we are.

None of us can accurately describe why we write

Or why we have to be here

Among the others

With reviews, updates and other things

Why do we need this website?

It's because of Zim.

There's something about that little Irken

Maybe it's his ranting

Or his robot.

He marches through our minds

Commanding us to write more.

And whether it's ZaDr, RaPr, ZaGr,

Or any other acronym

We continue writing fanfiction

All because of Zim.

Jhonen Vasquez truly did something evil

Eviler than before

More disturbing than Squee and Johnny

He made a world that we can disappear

Into a void from which there is no return

Content to spend our lives writing

We develop identities in which

We become someone we want to be

Maybe we really aren't that person

But who cares?

If accomplishment can be measured

By fanatics and their whim

Then Jhonen is a genius

Because we live by Zim.

And if Zim really was out to rule

He should have used cartoons

What better way to control a mind

Than the joy of Nickelodeon?

Who knows—

Maybe it WAS Zim

Behind the scenes, manipulating us

The Armada could be waiting

For us to give the word

When we all declare we love that world

More than we love our own

We could possibly be destroyed.

All in all, Zim has succeeded.

He controls our time

We've all gone a bit insane

Fanfiction is a part of us

And we know who to blame.

So maybe, if we want to fix this.

We could cease to write.

But as our sole outlet of joy

This would be stupid.

We're trapped.

Because of Zim.


	3. Important Information

Escape.

That's what we're all searching for.

And that's why you're reading this. Let me first establish that I have very strong religious convictions. I'm a Christian and I make no bones about it. If you have an objection to that, then you may leave. Or flame me. It's not my business. However, because Zim and the rest don't really fit into my whole spiritual side and are more of an ego side, there won't be a lot of religion. True, it will crop up, as I'm writing about the effects of fan fiction on my own life.

So bear with me.

--Be My Escape—

With all your heart.

That's how I live. Everything that I do is meant to be with every thing I have. True, I don't always give things like, oh, AP physics my all, but I try.

Forward Motion.

High School was a trial. It sucked. But, in retrospect, the outcome wasn't too bad after all. Isn't that why it's called FORWARD motion?

Owari-nai Yume

The dream without an end. As I watched the things I had always dreamed of ( a boyfriend, acceptance into my top college, friends, acceptance, acknowledgement) come true right before me at the end of my senior year, it really was an unending dream.

Personal Demons.

And even though I feel happy about my life right now, the demons are still lurking in the corners, waiting for me to become vulnerable again. Waiting for the time in which I finally succumb to the void that calls out to me.

They're waiting for me to sink into the world I've carved from my obsessions.

It wouldn't be so hard if my demons didn't have faces. But these faces aren't horrible ones, no. These demons have the faces of the same entities that I've come to accept as a part of who I am.

They leer from the dark shadows in my mind, whispering in recognizable voices.

I don't want to lose everything that I've held onto. If they win, then the dream will end and I will not continue moving forwad.

And it wouldn't be so hard if the demons weren't lead by Zim. By megalomania.

It's Zim that guides me to the comic book stores that carry Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and other such works. Books that I know are polluting my mind, and yet I can't help but reach for another.

In reading comic books, other demons enter. Inuyasha became anger. Gaz became hatred. GIR became insanity. Devi, apathy and complete inability to move forward. And, lurking in the background, even to my horror, is Nny himself, representing my rage towards society.

These demons wage war against a defense of sane emotions. There's Dib as determination. Nightcrawler stands in for faith. There are other, unnamed emotions like strength, and at the core is my own self, Ryune, holding onto my heart. And truly, if I didn't have God in there, too, the demons would win.

And the war is one that is staged on the internet, in fan fictions and review forums. Fan fiction is a cage, while at the same time being freedom.

It is my escape.

And we all know the reasons we want to escape begin in Childhood. Thus... I give you another story that's about me, but about a character you recognize. A story about opression of a gifted mind, and squelching of a creative spirit. One that's about indifference, heartache, and inability to move forward.

One that's also about courage and pressing on, even though life really sucks.

I hope my story gives you an answer you seek.


	4. Pressing On

Escape.

Don't we all want out of it?

These feeling begin in childhood. And thus, begins phase one of this story.

-Be My Escape-

American schools are like a bell curve. At the farthest left end of the curve are kids with learning disabilities. Their various degrees of disability increase the further left one continues. These children, with recent legislation, are given equal opportunities and specially tailored schooling to help them learn as best they can.

On the other end of the curve, to the right, are the gifted kids. Like children with learning disabilities, these children have special needs in their schooling to get what they can out of life. And the farther right, the higher the IQ and the greater the distance from their peers.

But instead of treating these children with the same care and attention as the left side of the curve, these children are thrust aside. They're smart, logic argues. They can handle being ahead of everyone. They can just supplement, right?

Such a child, forced to live among classmates that neither recognized nor cared that this child had an extraordinary mind and soaring IQ, was Dib.

Ever since kindergarten, Dib was made fun of because he always knew the answer, because he could read adult literature at that young age, and because he questioned the teacher incessantly, in a quest to know more. The first day of first grade, Dib almost fell out of his chair from waving his hand. He KNEW the answer; he wanted to give it so badly.

The teacher knew he knew, as did the rest of the kids. He was ignored. This routine continued, until, one day, Dib didn't raise his hand. And the days on which he did became less and less.

There's a Japanese proverb: The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

And though no one ever did it intentionally, Dib was slowly being hammered down. He withdrew into the paranormal, to escape. To run from the world which was smothering him.

And yet, though all common sense told him to suppress it, to not be so smart, he refused to listen. He KNEW he was right. Right about his brain, right about aliens, and right about everything everyone said he was wrong about.

It had been a very harsh blow to realize that everyone was NOT as smart as he was. That day came in fifth grade when the Alien marched right into his class.

Ms. Bitters introduced Zim just as she would have any other new kid. Dib was the ONLY one who recognized him for what he was, and no one believed him, even though it was obvious.

It hit him like a ton of bricks that he was alone, isolated on a mountain top.

And although the world didn't believe him, Dib would show them that he was right, that he was worthy. He WOULD make something of himself, to make his dad, his classmates, and the world proud of him.

_Adversity, we get around it._

Dib wasn't sure when he began believing in only himself. But he was determined to prove that he was stronger than the rest. Maybe they had isolated him. Maybe they did call him crazy. Maybe no one else believed him, or IN him. But that didn't mean anything. He'd prove himself.

_ Stronger than the strongest man, have confidence.  
Like Iron, be determined and resilient._

Dib could wait for his chance to shine. Until then, it was only a matter of surviving the slings and arrows of life. Dib's choice- to be or not to be- was to live. And although living was hard, he knew he'd make it.

Kids aren't born with high IQs just becasue, you know.


	5. What's the Purpose?

I envy them.

I envy just about every cartoon character out there.

They know what they want to do with their lives. They have purpose, they exist solely for that one reason.

And then they live their lives for that purpose.

But what about me? Where is my purpose? What is my dream?

But what about me? 

I believe in dreams, that everyone has an exact purpose for their lives. But what is mine? How do I achieve a dream I'm not even clear about?

Ever since sixth grade, my purpose has been unclear. It's as if, when I prayed that God would guide my life, he grabbed my hand and took off running.

I have never known where my life was headed. It's almost as if I obliviously live my life while he drops stuff in my lap to propel me forward.

Sure, I like where He's taken me so far, but what next? I want to trust him, to follow, but at the same time, I can't go on living my life wondering what the purpose of my existence really is.

What am I? Another cog in the machine? The mover and shaker of this century? Or just some wistful teenager with unclear purpose?

Why can't I, when so many times before, find meaning through him? Why is He silent? Where are you, God?

The lucky ones—they never have expressed belief in God, yet they live their lives as it goes. Of course, being cartoons, their purpose is artificial. But still—what purpose do I serve?

What about me?

I know I live for something: there's no other way that good stuff would just… happen to me if there was no purpose. Even when I ignore God, do my own thing, he just lands another windfall for me, and I'm left thinking "what did I do to deserve this? What on earth is going on?"

Being God, He's not someone whose brain I can pick. But I wish I could know with utmost clarity what it is he wants.

I want to know with the kind of clarity that Zim has that there is one specific thing for me to do with my life. I want to know so I can devote my heart to it.

I want to stop being wholly unsure of what dreams lie ahead.

I want to stop dreaming and wake up.

I want to live.

&&&&&&&

Be My Escape

There were times in Dib's life that he would sit and wonder WHY. Why did he want to be a paranormal investigator? Was he even going to become one at all? Or would being "crazy" limit him from his dreams?

_What's the purpose? I feel worthless  
so unwanted like I've lost all my value  
I can't find it, not in the least bit  
and I'm just scared that in the end I will fail you_

It was terrifying, really, to think that failure was an option. That one day, he might wake up and find that everything he had been living for was a waste, a dead dream.

That was an option that Dib would have to rule out.

But the future was so... intimidating. The feeling of not knowing what lay in store-- everything had changed with the arrival of Zim, after all. Dib had never assumed that a real, live alien would be his to hunt. And yet, as time went on, this alien provided him with many ways to find meaning and change the course of his life.

_And sometimes, I think that I'm not any good at all  
and sometimes, I wonder why, Why I'm even here at all_

_But then, you assure me  
I'm a little more than useless  
and when I think that I can't do this  
You show me that I'll get through this  
And do something right for once_

Zim gave Dib purpose, for whatever that was worth. Even when Zim was at his worst, he always managed to prompt Dib in the direction he needed to go.

How was that even possible?

_So I'll say if I can't do something significant  
I'll have to leave most opportunities wasted  
And nothing trivial that life can give me will  
Measure up to what might have replaced it_

_And I bet, that regrets will prove to get me to improve in the long run_

So what if everyone thought he was crazy? It was better than being useless. It was better than having regrets. It was better than no purpose at all.

_I'm a little more than useless,  
and I never knew I knew this  
was gonna be the day, gonna be the day  
That I would do something right for once._


End file.
